Over the last few days I have been so anxious over something that I should be super excited about. On Monday, I am taking part in a school dance competition called Global Rock. We’ve been rehearsing for a long time now, and the dance looks amazing (our teacher is a brilliant choreographer!) and the costumes, props and set are perfect. Rehearsals are really good fun, and I’m excited to perform on stage with so many people at once (especially because for the “paints” section that my friends and I are in, we get to use ribbons!)!
But there’s a problem. We leave school at 6:15am, and then have a four hour coach journey to the competition. We then will spend the day there, perform, and then embark on another four hour journey home (we’ll get back at perhaps 2:30am). For most people, their biggest problem is just that it’s a realllllly long day, and that we have to get up so early – but for me, that is the least of my worries. I’m fine with being tired. I’m looking forward to performing. But everything else? For me, it’s hell. On. Earth.
If any fellow emetophobes are reading this, you’ll probably already know why I am so anxious. For everyone else, here’s a list of all the things about the day that are making me so nervous:
- Getting up super early. Sounds dumb, but I often feel really sick in the mornings if I wake up much earlier than my body is expecting. Not sure why – that’s just the way it is.
- The coach journey. There are soooo many reasons why coach journeys make me nervous, but here are a few:
– What if I feel sick?
– What if someone else is sick?
– What if I’m actually sick?
– Coaches are ALWAYS hot and stuffy – and I can’t deal with cramped,
hot and stuffy places because yep, you guessed it, they always give me
bad nausea and therefore anxiety.
– I’m expected to eat on the coach. AHH NAUSEA.
– Other people are expected to eat on the coach. What if they’re sick
from that? I know that I have never once actually been carsick, so
should be okay, but what about others?
– There isn’t a toilet on the coach. What if someone feels sick?
– It’s such a long journey – there is soooo much potential for people to
I could go on, but this sub-list is already too long, so I’ll move on.
- Food. We’re not stopping off en route – we are bringing with us all the food we’re going to need from 6:15am till 2:30am the next day. 1 of our meals will definitely be consumed on the coach. Ahhhhhhh.
- Breakfast. Yeah, I know, breakfast is the same as food but it’s the thing I’m most anxious about. If I don’t get a proper breakfast, I will feel really ill later on. I know that. I also know that if I try to eat any earlier than 7:30am, I will feel horribly sick (believe me, I’ve tried many times). I also know that on the coach, I will not be able to have my normal breakfast. This means breaking a routine, and when it comes to my stomach, I need my routines – I can pretty much guarantee that whatever I have for breakfast will make me feel sick. Plus, I’ll have to eat it on the coach. Great.
- The late hours of the day/early hours of the morning. Sounds stupid, but whenever I’m at a sleepover, I always feel really sick for roughly an hour or so at some point between 12pm and 2am. I’m not sure why – one theory I have is that it’s just normal, but I’m usually asleep by then so don’t notice it (same for waking up early). And at that point, I will be on a coach. Joy.
- Having a panic attack. What if I have a panic attack on the coach? I won’t be able to go somewhere where no one can see me – there’s nowhere to go! I haven’t had a really really bad public panic attack for a long time – but I haven’t been in a triggering/stressful public situation for a long time, so that doesn’t really say much. I’m scared that, if I panic really badly, I won’t be able to stop myself from crying like I used to when I was younger (it’s just a reaction that I couldn’t control back then, much like the shaking). If I’m honest, I would be embarrassed for my friends to see me in that state (although the girl I’m sitting next to on the coach saw my first ever panic attack, when I had a proper breakdown, so I’m not too worried about her!), but it wouldn’t be too bad – I know that they’d just help to calm me down and they wouldn’t judge me. I’m more worried about the rest of the coach – all these people from all the different years in the school, and most importantly, my dance teacher. If she saw me crying and shaking and in hysterics, I would actually die of embarrassment afterwards! She’s someone that I really respect and I’d hate for her to see me in that state.
I just wish I could be super excited like all my friends! A few of them are nervous about the dancing (which is about the only thing I’m not nervous about, ironically), but they are mostly really looking forward to it. (Meanwhile, for the last 3 nights in a row, I have had a bad dream that has something to do with global rock (mainly dreams where I’m running really late for the coach in the morning, but often my subconscious will throw in fun things like people who look like they’re about to vomit just to make me that little bit more anxious. Thanks, brain.))
Why am I like this?!
I’m sorry that this was such a long, rambling post (I guess I did warn you in the title!), but I had to just write it all down for my own peace of mind, if anything. If you made it through to the end, congrats – give yourself a round of applause! 😉